This text is a part of SELF’s Hold It Sizzling bundle, a group of content material that celebrates love and lust. All through February, we’ll be meting out recommendation and inspiration for feeling sizzling, getting attractive, and nurturing romantic relationships.

We’ve all seen them—the {couples} who can’t preserve their fingers off one another. Whether or not they’re making out on a subway prepare or getting all goggly-eyed at a bar, it’s often a telltale signal that the pairing is model new, a contemporary infatuation being compulsively explored. However generally you see a unique type of couple. One which clearly has numerous years underneath their belt. Two individuals who have grown into and with one another. It could be the septuagenarians locking arms on the grocery retailer, or the middle-aged couple at dinner who nonetheless have stars of their eyes. They’ve seen the nice, dangerous, and the custom-fit night time guard, however, one way or the other, are nonetheless very a lot in love.

For these of us who’ve but to expertise a relationship past the 10-year mark (or possibly even the 10-month mark), spying long-term lovers within the wild is like recognizing a yeti holding fingers with bigfoot. How do they do it? What do they know that we don’t?! 

Most of us are well-versed within the romantic rush of one thing new. However what occurs when the brand new will get outdated? After which older? After all, that type of dedication could be anathema for some of us. And a few individuals shouldn’t keep collectively. However when you’d hand over your loved one single-serve espresso maker and even your facet of the mattress to learn to make a two-plus-decade-long relationship thrive, we’ve acquired some perception for you from those that have really lived it. 

With Valentine’s Day across the nook, SELF spoke with of us in pleased, attractive, fulfilling, enjoyable long-term relationships (spanning 20 to 64 years in length!) about what it takes to maintain the fires stoked. In case you’re fortunately coupled up or need some inspiration for the longer term, right here’s their relationship recommendation for making the love—and lust—final.

1. Keep open-minded about your intercourse life.

 “What I’ve discovered over 22 years is to at all times be sincere, however by no means hurtful, and to maintain experimenting sexually. We dwell by the rule of GGG, which is brief for good, giving, sport: It is best to attempt to be good in mattress, give one another equal time and pleasure, and be sport for something—inside motive. What I assumed was sizzling at 25 once we have been first married isn’t essentially what I believe is sizzling now, so that you by no means know what you may like when you don’t attempt it. My husband has additionally accomplished a ton of investigation into completely different sexual methods, which has led to essentially the most highly effective orgasms I’ve ever had—in my 40s! 

The opposite essential aspect is that we by no means, ever criticize one another’s our bodies. In our 22 years, not as soon as has my accomplice made me really feel ashamed of my physique. As an alternative, he’s made me really feel celebrated. In flip, I’m snug sufficient with him to do something—I do know all he sees is a dope girl who’s his mate for all times.” —Toby, 22 years collectively

2. Carve out time for simply the 2 of you.

“My husband and I’ve twin teenage boys. Their lives are fairly jam-packed, which implies ours are, too, so my husband and I make it a degree to spend time collectively—simply us. It doesn’t should be an over-the-top fancy date night time. Most occasions, it’s a Sunday morning stroll, a visit to the farmers market—we’ll even deal with working errands collectively prefer it’s a date. Making time to connect with present one another that you just matter within the craziness of on a regular basis life is so essential.” —Jill, 20 years collectively

3. Study one another’s values.

“Now we have discovered about and accepted one another’s ‘love language.’ We speak about what’s essential to us and what makes us really feel liked. Large, grand gestures may be great, however after numerous years, they merely flip into gestures. Generally the littlest acts of affection can really feel essentially the most intimate. Contact is essential to me, so we maintain fingers whereas watching TV, a tiny gesture that by no means goes unnoticed. Verbal expressions are essential to my accomplice, so I be certain to say ‘I like you’ to him daily. Usually it’s the smallest efforts which have the most important payoff.” —Christopher, 22 years collectively 

4. Strive to not let arguments flip into screaming matches.

“An expensive good friend, who’s within the preliminary section of a divorce, lately talked about that her partner was unwilling to work on their anger points and informed her that ‘yelling is regular.’ Her eyes almost fell out of her head once I informed her that my spouse and I’ve by no means yelled at one another—not as soon as, in almost 24 years. We argue, we’ve disagreements, however we’ve by no means raised our voices or stated unkind issues to the opposite. It’s a bedrock of our energy and our connection. Ardour, intercourse, date nights, good occasions, happiness—all these issues wax and wane because the years stack up. However sustaining that basis of belief and respect is what retains us robust, linked, and in love.” —Daybreak, 24 years collectively

5. Put common intercourse dates on the calendar.

“My husband and I like to recommend a often scheduled intercourse/intimacy date. If the time rolls round and one or the opposite of you isn’t into it, that’s okay. Use the time to take pleasure in one another’s firm in different methods. Possibly speaking turns into snuggling. Possibly snuggling is all you want. Possibly snuggling turns into one thing else.